Last guy on the bandwagon...

OK, I've got my facebook account up and running. Now I have to go find some pictures to put there. As I mentioned when starting this blog... no good can come of this.

Good lord!

R.

Holy mental retardation...

God my company is paranoid. They've blocked all the fun websites. No MSN Messenger, hotmail, picturebook, myspace...

What the hell am I supposed to do here anyway??? I'm going to have to start bringing in my own personal laptop. Hopefully there is some free WiFi around somewhere. I wonder if that will raise any red flags amongst my superiors?

R.

Hang Ups...

Is it really possible, I mean really? Possible to look at your life and see the things that could potentially hold you back and decide to change them? Could it really be that simple?

I spend it seems an awful lot of time reflecting on my life and trying to learn more about me and especially how I relate to those around me. I talk to my friends and try to "hear" their feedback and assess it for what it is. Lately, it seems like I'm hearing things for the first time. I'm not suggesting that I should be doing everything my friends say, quite the contrary, many times I'm correct in my feelings of what should be done.

What I'm referring to however seems to be the overwhelming similarity in the advice I've been given from all my friends. "Take it easy." "Relax." "Don't be so uptight." "Try to have fun and enjoy yourself." Most of the advice has had to do with relationships and my Olympian ability to obsess with single minded focus.

I suppose I need to step back and let people be themselves, not fit into a mold of what I want them to be. Perhaps I've been guilty of that in the past. If we (me) are angry at someone for what they're doing, it may be because we expect or want them to do something else. The issue here is really control. We want to control that person to make them do or act the way we want. "She didn't return my email." "She didn't call me back." "She ignored me at a party."

The lesson here may be to let people be themselves and for us to stay true to ourselves. I have come to realise this now more than ever. I cannot, nor do I want to be someone who I'm not. I am who I am and if you're into that then great, if not then also great... but please step aside. I'm 38 years old and don't really have time to fuck around on relationships and activities in my life that I don't enjoy. This seems overly simple. I have always believed that it is easier to make things more complicated than simple.

Time will really tell if I'm actually really on to something. I wonder if I have the internal conviction to stick to and execute this. Change first begins in the mind, then it must move to the heart (emotional) before it actually translates itself to behaviour.

I've been thinking this, now I'm starting to feel it. I feel less angry every day. Its weird, even with all the crap going on in my life right now I feel happy. I feel free. I wait with baited breath to see what tomorrow holds.

I so need to make a list of all my hang-ups ... and then burn it...

R.

Its raining again..

I may have mentioned before but I really like rain. However unlike Roger Hodgson, I do not feel like "My love's at an end." Or for that matter like "I'm losin' a friend." I do like the song though.

I'm sitting at my desk and the sky is dark and its coming down pretty hard. I love the sound of the raindrops as they hit the window. In bed, lying under the covers and listening to the sound of the raindrops outside knowing that I don't have to go to work is the best. The ultimate would have to be at a cottage up north where there is no background city noise and the echo of the thunder as it reflects off the rocks is quite startling.

Looking forward to the week. Last week was pretty great. Learned quite a bit about myself. Its surprising but I'm not as down as I thought I'd be. I'm quite excited about getting a "do-over" with my life. People always say, "if only I knew then what I know now." Well, I"m getting the opportunity to start over. Whether its relationships or my career or life itself, I can't wait for what tomorrow holds. Its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Now, all I have to do is to get this weight off my gut... laf.

R.

Swedish Pleasure...

Went to the spa for my first ever massage yesterday. A friend from work had some gift certificates and she decided to treat me. She figured with all that has been going on in my life lately that I could use one. I must say she was right. I can't believe that 60 minutes went by so fast. There was a moment there where she was massaging my neck and I think I dozed off.

Its funny, the difference between men and women. Women embrace the spa but for the most part guys, at least the ones that I know, are not big users. Only a few have ever had massages.

Well, I'm a convert. Maybe next time a facial. Manicure and pedicure are definite musts.

I'm starting to enjoy my "Clooney years."

R.

Lack of Posts...

Sorry to those of you who have been asking about my posts. I've been so busy living life lately that I haven't had a chance to write about it. More to come soon though.

R.

My daddy works in an office...

Since we've moved to the new office building about 4 years ago the kids have never visited. I know, terrible. I've planned to do it on so many occasions but after driving all the way into the city every day I rarely want to do it on weekends or days off. Well, this being March break, I thought I would take the kids to the office and show them the mall.

We had the most awesome time. The kids were amazed. "Your office is so cool." "This mall is so huge." We went to a restaurant at the mall that's been around since I was a kid. Nice, we had our lunch comped, probably on account of how much booze I buy there. "Wow daddy, we got our lunch for free?" "Daddy, do you know everyone here?" "Uh, don't tell your mother."

After lunch we went shopping, bought Gameboy games at EB, and these stuffed animals that they're into now called Webkins. Also took the girls to the local costume jewellery store where I normally buy them earrings and they each got to pick out a pair. Then I took them for a manicure at my local place. Yeah, I got one too...but I was seriously due. Danno just sat there patiently and waited for us. It's his birthday today, he's 8, so I took today off too to hang out with them.

We went over to Sleeper's place so they could play with his dog and we saw a helicopter land and take off from the building across the street.

All in all for an 8-12 year old it was quite a nice day out. I suppose I will always be able to do stuff like this with my kids.

One thing that is bothering me though is that on Wednesday night, we took the kids bowling and my oldest daughter said to me,

"Daddy, please don't ever leave us."

"Why, would you say that hun?"

"Oh, no reason. Just don't leave our family. I want you to stay with us."

"Don't worry honey, I will always love you and be in your life."

I'm not sure if my wife said something, but I'm kind of pissed. I'd better have a chat with her this weekend.

R.

Fortune...

I am frequently reminded how fortunate I am to be here in my life now. I'm driving in this morning, and due to the time change, its still dark in the morning. As I'm driving along the street that leads to my parking garage, traffic has stalled because there is a homeless guy, obviously drunk or stoned, wandering down the middle of the road.

As my minor irritation passed, I mean, how dare he momentarily interrupt my day with this wasteland of existence that he calls his life. Then a thought occurred to me. Who is this guy? Where did he grow up? Did he have loving parents?

I have a friend of mine, we both grew up together, went to the same school, the same church and had the same friends. His parents are together today and his siblings are great normal well adjusted people. Yet at this point of his life, he has an alcohol and drug dependency problem. He has pretty much lost everything, all relationships he's had. We're not sure where he will end up but something drastic needs to change. Apparently he has not hit rock bottom yet.

I was the one who grew up in the broken home, who lived in the "bad" part of town, with the alcoholic absentee father. Yet when I look at our lives today they're totally different.

All of this thinking of course is based on my emotional state now of having to separate myself from my kids and family. I know that I'll still be there for them and still see them but life will certainly be different than it is today. Their confidence will be challenged. Their world will change. Perhaps they will be better for it. And maybe the guy walking down the street today grew up in a really nice home with loving parents.

R.

Um, hi...you're driving me crazy...

So, I've got this friend who is going through a bit of a tough time right now. Probably teetering on a mini-nervous breakdown. This has been building for some time now and I've tried my best to be there to be supportive and understanding. She has also been very supportive and understanding with me and the changes and decisions I've had to make in my life. So far so good.

Its just that she's starting to drive me fucking crazy. "Let's go for a drink." "You're taking me for lunch today." "Who are you talking to on the phone?" "What are you meeting with him for?" "Why do we have to go for sushi at lunch?"

Holy crap. Leave me alone already. Do I look like your day husband?

I can see now, in my own life, over so many years that I've been needy and have smothered others with my need for friendship and companionship. I will try to be understanding and supportive and not flame out. I guess ultimately this gives me some perspective in how I deal with others.

I feel like in my life now, I'm standing at the entrance to an amusement park. I don't know which ride I want to go on first but I know I want to go on them all. However, there is not enough time for all of them. I suppose I'd better start making better and tough choices on how I want to live the rest of my days.

I think this is called balance. Interesting concept.

I'm so not going to Benihanna for lunch!!! That's final.

R.

1 crazy night...

Wow, what a crazy 24 hours. I don't know if this single thing is going to be good for me.

Started the evening yesterday with going to the hockey game. The Leafs are losing 3-1 and I make SportsGuy leave the game early so we can get to a bar for a pre-drink before we go to the real bar. He doesn't want to leave yet. "You watch he says, the Leafs will win 4-3" "No way, I said." Anyway as we're sitting at the bar watching the Leafs tie the game and eventually win 4-3, he's pissed at me and we were off to Ultra Supper club on Queen West.

My buddy SportsGuy asked a couple of his friends to join us. One was 24 and the other was 26 and total party girls. A couple of my co-workers showed up and some colleagues with whom I deal. We even hooked up with the owner of one of our larger retailers and the night was underway. We ended up getting a little booth with bottle service and just had the time of our lives. I've been to this club before and didn't have that great a time but I think the combination of people there last night made it a blast. I had an amazing time. Everyone was in good spirits and genuinely had a good time.

So I'm outside with Pepe LePew and my friend Wyseone and we're waiting for a cab. Well, at 2 in the morning when all the clubs are closing its impossible to get a cab. We finally get one and this girl, who was also trying to flag a cab, comes running up and asks us where we're going. Well, even though we were going in the total opposite direction, I let her share the cab with us. I guess I'm just that type of guy. Anyway I ask her where she was going and she said some grungy after hours club with some co-workers. So, I ask if I could go. "You're dressed way too nice for this place," she said. After a little chit chat I she's like "sure" come. Only problem now is I have the other two sitting beside me in the cab. On top of that, this is time change weekend which made it 3 am already. I haven't stopped regretting that I didn't just hop out of the cab with her to this moment. Oh well.

I end up crashing at Sleeper's place, woke up but now my car is at Square One, because I had left it there and SportsGuy drove to the game the night before. A $60 cab ride later (because Sleeper was too sick to drive me) I'm at SportsGuy's place. Its after 1 pm at this point. I'm tired and I haven't showered yet.

Ring, its the phone. Turns out our little party gals from last night are still going. They're at Yonge and Eglinton and they want us to meet them for a drink. "Sorry girls, we can't make it. We have commitments." Ten minutes later we're on the highway on our way to meet the girls. We end up going to this nice Italian restaurant and have an amazing lunch. Nice wine and lots of laughter.

As they head to the next bar, we pull the rip cord. Its already 6:30 pm. I've been out for 27 hours and slept for 4... if you can call that sleeping.

I finally leave SportsGuy's place, he's asleep on the couch. I go home and clean the fish tank. The kids are at a sleepover so the house is quiet. Now all I want to do is sleep... for about 10 years!!!!!

R.

Really heartwarming...

Every once in awhile you see one of these heartwarming stories of people working out their differences in a rational mature manner. Really gets you deep down inside...

BERLIN (Reuters Life!) - A 43-year-old German decided to settle his imminent divorce by chainsawing a family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck.
Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said on Friday the trained mason measured the single-storey summer house -- which was some 8 meters (26 feet) long and 6 meters wide -- before chainsawing through the wooden roof and walls.
"The man said he was just taking his due," said a police spokesman. "But I don't think his wife was too pleased."
After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the forklift truck and drove to his brother's house where he has since been staying.

If only...

R.

What a day...

Craziest day today. I may have booked myself too many back-to-back meetings. The day started with my first leg workout in about six months, which was very fun but tiring. My last meeting of the day, was with the Vice President of a company we deal with. I show up to her office and she's wearing hip waders. That's right folks, fly fishing fucking hip waders. Then I had to turn around while she took them off. She didn't ask the 10 other people in the room to turn around, just me.

I'm afraid to go to bed tonight.

R.

Welcome to the future...

Hmmm...I'm not sure, but I think my wife has stopped doing my laundry. I went to my underwear drawer and I'm out of underwear. Put on the last clean pair today.

I've thought about asking her, but decided against it quickly. That probably wouldn't be a good idea. I'm OK with her not doing my laundry any more it's just that I haven't planned that into my routine yet. I probably won't be able to get to clothes washing until the weekend so I'd better go buy a few more pairs to carry me over until then.

Its just that I don't like to wear new underwear without washing them first. I've heard that the sanitary conditions at those factories are deplorable. I'd like to skip the Ebola please...or whatever little parasites are hanging around waiting to crawl down some little hole and lay eggs.

Maybe I'll just go commando!

R.

Don't feel like workin'...

Funny but I really don't want to be here today. I don't want to be here so bad today that the only way I can keep from thinking how much I don't want to be here is by working, so I'm actually getting more work done.

I thought today would have been better than it turned out to be. I think that "expectations" will be my great undoing. Now, if only I could shake it off.

R.

Enough...

OK god, you made your point. We've fucked up your planet and now you're determined to freeze us to death. Its -30 with the wind chill out there. You fake us out with the whole global warming thing by having above average temperatures all the way through December and go for the KO with the deep freeze. Nice.

I went to the gym this morning and almost hit the ceiling when I tried to put on my deodorant. Try rubbing a block of ice on your arm pits after 10 minutes in the steam room and a nice long hot shower. My underwear was so cold it was standing up on its own. The boys don't need that kind of torture so early in the morning.

So, we're all really sorry we'll burn less fossil fuels and stuff you know, blah, blah, blah. Make the cold stop.

Sincerely,

R.

Oops...

So my brother calls me this morning. I'm just finishing my work-out at the gym. He's in my neck of the woods at a job site and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him for a coffee.

Sorry dude, already at the gym let's touch base later this week. So I get to my desk and I'm having my protein shake and look at my phone about to change my voicemail message and "Holy Crap" its his birthday today.

So I called him back and of course wished him a Happy Birthday. Wow, my little brother is 35 years old. Unbelievable. I still remember him much like my son is now at 7-8 years old when we all moved to Canada.

My dad had left and didn't really have much time for us and my mom had to work in a sewing factory on the other side of the city. I was left to care for my brother and sister. Sometimes my memories are so clear, I can remember all of us getting up (my mom left the house at 6:30 am) and we'd have breakfast and watch Mr. Greenjeans or Friendly Giant and Mr. Dressup. There was this stupid cartoon with a eerily haunting song that has stuck with me all these years. It was about a kid named Simon and he had a magic stick of chalk and things he drew came to life. Now that I look back on it, that was a creepy show. I think Mike Meyers did a skit with this character on SNL awhile back. Wow, what would I draw with a magic stick of chalk!!!!

During the summer months, we'd go to the local pool and hang out all afternoon. Let's see I would probably have been in Grade 7 then which would mean I was 11 years old. My friends and I all went to see Sandy because she was the first of the grade 7 girls to grow big breasts and boy were they beautiful... I think...

I don't really know where I was going with this except that my little brother is 35 today and I guess that's really something.

R.

First Day...

Of the rest of my life. Whoooooo. Let's see now. What first. So many things I've always wanted to do.

Run a marathon - check
Climb a Mountain - hmmmm...does head in lap count?
Write a novel- I've read a novel.
Get in shape - well, round is a shape.

Screw it this is too much work. What I really want now is a cheeseburger...mmmm...with bacon....

R.

Saturday Night...

OK, sitting here at AL's place. We've had a great dinner and Tush has passed out. Al says I can't pick any more songs because it sounds like a "chick party." I guess I pick bad songs. However, getting together and having a great dinner and listening to music is what life is really about.

Hope all of you are having a great night.

R.

(not so) Special Day...

Well, today March 2, 2007 is my 16th wedding anniversary or what it is now referred to...Friday.

Let's see, I'm 38 years old now and if you count the year we were dating before marriage it would mean that I've been in this relationship for 45% of my life.

Things are actually not that bad at home right now which is kind of bugging me. My wife is quite friendly and civil. Even called me yesterday to make sure I was OK driving home in the snow. I guess we've been together but apart for so long that nothing has really changed. Hopefully the friendship can continue after the separation for the sake of the kids.

OK, I have to go meet with my boss now so I can sit for an hour-and-a-half and tell him what I'm working on (instead of doing it), so he can manage me. I guess I'm in need of some good management.

He's got 3 leasing people reporting to him. One is on maternity leave and the other just quit for another job. I guess I'll be doing double time, like Tracy Lordes on her "best of" video. Better get lots of lube!

R.

Yikes...

Just looked out the window. Perhaps I spoke too soon with my last post. I think the world really is going to end. OMG!

R.

New Sensation...

I don't know, but maybe Michael Hutchence was onto something years ago. It seems that everywhere you turn the news channels are sensationalizing common events.

Take today. I've been hearing all week that we're getting a storm in the city. I listen to the news radio station this morning and its like Armageddon. I'm expecting rivers to turn into blood and frogs to start falling from the sky. Any moment now the four horseman of the apocalypse will go galloping down Yonge street.

Good god people, its going to rain and yes the rain might freeze and the roads might get slippery. I think they have a word for that, hmm...letsee...WINTER! Its friggin' winter out there.

People are so apathetic now. No one really gives a shit about anything. We want to see that freak show shave her head and get tattoos on the back of her neck.

As a student of history, I've spent time studying many ancient cultures. I'm surprised when people refer to some of them (like the Romans for example), as barbarians. The whole thought of gladiators fighting in a ring and then feeding the losers to the lions seems grotesque to us.

As I look at what our culture has become, we are really no different. We delight in other's misfortunes and want our senses tickled by all that is garish.

I guess at the end of the day, in the words of Depeche Mode...."People are people..."

R.