Best joke of the day...

Ok so we're sitting at lunch for admin assistants day. And the conversation meanders back and forth.

Director of Operations pipes up and says, "The Board Report is due next week, I sent the email out today and haven't had any response yet."

Boss says, "If I don't get any info by the time I leave for holidays on Tuesday then I'll cancel my vacation stay at the office and make their lives a living hell."

Then I say, "So, it will be like any normal TUESDAY then...."

Needless to say, I'm in trouble again.

Wierdest phone call so far

One ringy dingy, two ringy dingy...

"Rarotonga speaking"

"Um hello, can I have the name of the property manager for so and so mall?"

"Sure, his name is John Smith."

"Do you have his phone number"

"Sure its 555-5555"

"Ok, do you have any other names?"

"Any other names????"

"Yes of other managers in your company."

"Why? Who are you?"

"Well, they asked me to call and get leasing information."

"Who are they? Because the property managers don't do any leasing."

"Oh, I'm not sure maybe I misunderstood what they were saying." [Whisper] "I'm a temp here. I don't know what they want. I'm having a bad day."

"Why are you whispering? Who are they? Are you working for the mob or something?"

"Ok, go to our website, www...."

"I'm there now"

"Click on the property"

"Ok, I've clicked on the property and I can't see any contact info."

"See at the top, where it says 'contact'?"

"Yes"

[pause]

[pause]

[pause] (my god you can't be that fucking stupid!)

"Click on it"

"Oh, ok"

"John Smith, he's the general manager?"

"Yes, because his name is UNDER the title General Manager!"

Please, oh lord above...
send the bird flu...
cleanse the world of the retards!!!!

Its been some time...

Can't believe its been 10 days since I last posted. Where has the time gone. Its been fairly busy at work. I feel like I'm floating in the ocean and slowly sinking. Gotta get my shit done.

Exciting stuff to report...

Former co-worker and industry peer had an article written in a major newspaper. Too many jokes to mention. People love gossip. We sure also love to laugh at other's misfortunes.

Girl who works in a brokerage office that I deal with...

-has a journal
-her name and friends in the journal
-talks about co-workers BY NAME in her journal
-has not marked her journal private

comedy...

Anyways, wrote in her journal this week about the co-worker who got sent home because her boyfriend was stealing cell phones from his company and routing them through her office. Thought the girl was "fucking stupid!" Guess writing a journal and mentioning co-workers by name is really smart.

What else...

Went to Columbus, (that's right...Ohio) last Friday. All day meeting. Had a few too many drinks before boarding the plane. Fucking Dash 8 turbo prop. Ginormous fat guy sitting beside me who took up all of his seat and half of mine. I'm squished up against the window unable to move for fear of accidental "cuddling." Fucker took off his shoes, now I have to hold my breath too because of the stench from his toe jam.

"Ah, excuse me? "

"Yes? "

"Are you allowed to take your shoes off on a plane this small? "

"Why, what's the problem? "

"Well, the smell is quite unpleasant. "

"Uh, I'm sure its someone else? "

"Really?" " Who else has their shoes off?" (silent pause at the end to convey the word "fucker!")

So, he puts his shoes back on and I'm sure went home and told all his fat family and friends about the drunk annoying "Paki" on the plane who made him put his shoes back on! The nerve of those people, why don't they go back where they came from.

Better watch it, I've got a ceremonial shiv stashed under my turban!

Oh...my meeting is here, time to go kick some ass. Oh god, please let it be a fat white guy!

laf...

Destiny

Perhaps I'm destined to become (maybe already) one of those people who sit around in old clothes in old places listening to old music trying to look cool. You've seen them around, you feel like saying..."Um, excuse me but the seventies called and want their clothes back."

I love '80's music, really! This is nothing new but the question is do I love it because I'm going through some kind of midlife crisis and am trying to hearken back to some youthful time when all was wonderful? Perhaps no, for a couple of reasons.

1. Life wasn't that blissful when I was young. This is one of the reasons I love music so much. It was an escape from what was then a challenged life for sure.

2. I 've always liked '80's tunes. Even when I was young. So to suggest that I like them now is because of some midlife crisis, doesn't explain why I've always felt this way...(hold on...must play Platinum Blonde...just finished Rufus and Chaka Khan, Ain't Nobody...

Now, just in case you get the wrong idea, I don't only love '80's music. Some of my favourite songs are from right now. The '70's were good and the '90's excellent.

It's just that when I was younger and 1050 Chum went from "rock" to "oldies" (some of you will remember this). I thought to my self, wow, how bad is that, a radio station for old people.

Now, the station I listen to the most is Jack FM which play mostly '80's music. Yeah, the "new" oldies. I'm old, listening to old music...though now I can afford old wine :) ... ok now I have to play some Loverboy, Lovin' every minute of it...sweet!

I wonder if "jerry curls" will ever come back. All my suit jackets used to have really huge shoulder pads. Don't laugh, MC Hammer is touring again. People have short memories of the past, that is why we are doomed to repeat it.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what one person thinks versus the other. Time marches on with brutal predictability. We are all getting older and all that we have to hold on to are fading translucent memories of our past and hope for the future. I've mentioned before but sometimes we forget about today. (Love and Rockets, Yin Yang and the Flowerpot Man...great tune.)

For me, I refuse to go quietly. Life is for the living, why live with regret...bring it on! mmm... Michael Jackson....Don't stop 'till you get enough...

Return of the Rant

Ok, so I'm going to the washroom, this is the second time this has happened to me, I think I've mentioned before that we have these weird IT freaks working in the office beside us. Ok, so I'm going to the can and there is this guy in front of me and he goes into the washroom and I follow him. There are 3 urinals in our washroom that are so uncomfortably close together I'm sure they don't meet code. Anyways, this guy walks into the washroom and which urinal do you think he chooses, you guessed it, the middle one. The fucking middle one! Every guy in the world knows there are rules to going to the washroom.

1. If you walk in and all the urinals are empty, you of course choose the one closest to the door. That way, if anyone else comes in, you're not trapped.

2. If you go to the washroom and there are more than 2 urinals with one user (usually closest to the door, you pick the furthest one away, because ultimately all heterosexual men are homophobic.

3. If you walk into a urinal and there are 5 urinals and numbers 1, 3 and 5 are taken, which one do you choose? None obviously, you leave and return later or use a stall!

So this guy walks in and not only does he use the middle one, he stands there like he's a fucking gay Spiderman. Legs spread wide and one hand on his hips. Now, I'm coming in behind him and the two stalls are taken and I gotta go, I've timed this perfectly. There is no turning back now. I've got to shrug my shoulders and be as "small" as possible, just in case there is some accidental brushing of the arms, which is unacceptable. I swear if I didn't have to go so bad I would have liked to beat this guy to a pulp.

Don't people know the rules??? We are not savages are we???

The blogger and the bartender.

So I'm at a well known bar in the city with Hepo. and we're talking to one of the bartenders that we know. I might add at this point (as I'm sure you all know), that she is very attractive. We'll call her KJ from here on in. So we're discussing blogs and journals and what they are. She asked the question on whether or not people are honest with blogs. Interesting question.

My answer was instinctive, "Where there is anonymity, people are usually brutally honest." I think people hide who they really are when they're around other people for many reasons not the least of them is "insecurity."

By insecurity I mean, "lacking self-confidence and having anxiety." We're all so worried about what other people think of us. How do I look? What do I say? These are all questions we ask of ourselves because we want to be perceived a certain way by others. Usually we all wear some form of mask. Be it bravado or shyness, we hide behind these things because it is comfortable, it is our place of safety. "If people knew what I was really like..." A fear that haunts many of us.

What I've found though in reading blogs, I read many of them, I currently have two of my own. I've found that sometimes people are on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of honesty. They go for shock value. Certainly when I started this blog, I tended (still do), to write stuff that's over the top. Perhaps these are things I wish I could say if there were no societal rules or expectations.

This being the case, is this an accurate picture of these individuals? Any more so than the masks we hide behind when we meet other people in public? I still get along with my co-workers and while sometimes their stories are dreadfully boring, I'm sure mine are as well. I'm this blog is a testament to that! (insecurity?) :)

So, maybe a blog allows us to say the things that we wouldn't normally say to people's faces and it may go to extreme. Perhaps we can learn from this medium. Putting one's thoughts down on paper (albeit virtual), allows us to reflect on what we have stated. Also the act of writing down one's thoughts forces us to organize and express them in ways that speaking doesn't. We are usually lazy when we speak, we just start talking and hope that at some point, the point comes out. Ultimately each post is a reminder, a signpost of sorts, of how we are feeling and what we are thinking at the time. Maybe the act of posting changes us.

Ok, enough shit for now, its starting to make my office stink. So welcome to the blog world KJ (barter girl for those of you with A.D.D.). Its addictive.

Rib and Reef

Like something out of a Chicago style gangster movie, the Rib and Reef is your basic old school steak surf and turf joint. Dark with tables full of good 'ol boys. The bartender still has the behave hairdo she had in the sixties.

Dinner was fantastic, a few unexpected but good people joined us and we had a fabulous time. It was however uneventful, nothing too witty to report.

Maybe I'm just tired. I'll try to think of something.

Montreal

So I'm at Rockland mall in Mtl today and they do the funniest thing here. Apparently parents hire runway models to push their baby carriages around the mall. These people are crazy.

So had my meetings, driving around a strange city is a little stressful especially when you're late and don't know where the hell you're going. Maybe I could have brought more detailed driving directions. Sure and maybe money will fall from the sky.

Funny thing, the french language

1. "Club Piscine" sign on the side of a truck. Wow, you have to join a club here to take a leak.
2. "Club Prix" guess these two groups are related.
3. "Poussez" just keep saying it over and over, feels dirty but its not.
4. "Hors Taxe" (aka poussez taxe) we'll frigging tax anyone in this country.
5. "Boul. Hymus" I don't know, it just sounds funny.

That's it for now. Will report later on how dinner went.

Wiggida Wiggida Whack...

So, I'm in Montreal for a couple of days for business but also having some fun on the side. I've finally figured out why T.O. sucks so much, its because all the hot women live in Montreal. Wow, this place is amazing. So I'm having dinner at this amazing restaurant, and I mean amazing, the talent is awesome. Our waitress thought she knew me from somewhere. So as we're talking, I asked her name and sure enough Ani Claude, we partied together last june when I was at the Mtl. Conference. We drank quite a bit. Can't believe she remembered...who are we kidding, of course she remembered. You have no idea how hot this chick is!

So, I go to the washroom and I can't find a urinal. I thought to myself, "Funny, no urinal in the washroom, weird." But then again this is Montreal and the French are different. So I'm standing in a stall doing number onsies and the bus boy walks in to the washroom to service it.

"Ah...excuse me sir, do you know you're in the ladies whashroom?"

"Get the fuck outta here!" "Seriously?"

"Seriously." "Luckily there are no women in here."

(Still not sure why that's lucky.) (I should mention that at this point I'm standing in a stall directly across from the entrance to the washroom with the stall door wide open...only one hand is free...the other being used for stabilizing purposes.)

So, I finish. Really. Can't stop the flow. You know?

Great night. Going to bed now. Going to Globe tomorrow night. That will be a bender I'm sure.

ttfn.

Stop mocking me...

Why do they put billboards about illiteracy all over the city? I mean, these people can't read. Is it necessary to rub it in their faces. Can you imagine?

"Ah, excuse me."

"Yes?"

"Um...ah, would you mind telling me what that billboard says?"

"What, you can't read that? You're such a retard! Can't read the numbers either. Hey everybody, this guy can't read the billboard. Ha ha ha ha ha ha..."

How embarrassing is that for illiterate people to be humiliated like this all the time. Rather, what should happen is that there should be talking billboards that whisper, something like this...

"Pssst hey you, yeah you, come here...closer."

"Uh, what do you want, talking sign?"

"If you can't read, you should call 1 800 D-U-M-A-S-S"

Much more civilized, don't you think?